One of the hardest things for me is to outpace my demons. God has blessed me more than I have any right to ask for. I have always been built different. I joked that I am living proof that God has a sense of humor. God gave me abilities that always have a “flip” side, or as I call it “side effects.” For example by the 6th grade I was tutoring and doing my older brother’s Calculus II homework and his honor’s Chemistry. But my ability to spell SUCKS, is an example of one of the side effects.

My mind never stops, it screams along and has a high level of churn. I refer to it as a multi threaded processor. It has taken me to levels professional that I could only dream about and serviced me well in my daily life. But it comes as at a cost. I have never known peace as I call it. I CANNOT stand idle time or meditation.

When I started to drink hard liquor when I was 11 to try to quite the churn. One of the threads just churns on every decision and runs an analysis with alternatives. While another thread runs problem analysis of topics/issues and churns until I come up with a solution. But this is why I have never know peace.

I started my Masters in Astrophysics and found it impossible. Not because of the subject matter, I found it extremely easy to comprehend and the math was not a challenge. My difficulties came from not being able to slow my mind down enough to write papers, stay focused on one particular aspect. Because my mind “chases threads” to analyze impacts. I call it “Dave’s Mind in Motion Curse.” Think of it as when something is in motion it stays in motion.

I drank trying to escape what God has given me. The first time I tried to take my life was when I was 13. The gun misfired, I have tried other times by other means. The most recent was 3 months ago, which was what I jokingly call “God Messing with me.” While I was preparing to end my life, I was able to solve a technical issue a good friend of mine was having with a technology stack. So I called him and walked him though the solution.

One of the worst side effects for me has changed. It used to be writing, because it is painful for me to write. Not because of my spelling or grammar, it is trying to calm my brain enough to write. But the worse part is having my cancer come back. My mind churns and focuses on my loved ones. Trying to prevent them from any type of pain, to minimize the impact of what my death will do to them.

I am losing the ability to control my “threads.” Which allows me to function, the treatments and the impact of cancer are breaking down my tricks to control the churn. So I am sitting here in the early AM with about an hour of sleep writing this, completing a CAD drawing, writing the supporting document for a patent application, while churning on friends I lost at the Pentagon, etc..

While thinking about this is only going to get worse for me. Not the treatment, that is going to suck, but this part. In the churn there is the solution popping up. Right now the analysis comes back, that is the cheap way out.

The churn is as loud and troubling as it ever has been.

God Bless.. I am not complaining or I only blame God or anyone. I wanted to share that God has a sense of humor and what it is like in my head.